Retreads

1405

Pay Coaches Millions Not to Work? No Sir! We Have the Answer

Well, it’s that time of year. Time to fire up the coaching carousel in college football. It’s always fascinating how much money schools will pay a coach to NOT work, and we may see a record amount spent this time around.

But wait – here’s an idea. These schools would be better off simply rehiring one of their old coaches, pick from those you already paid off and make ’em come back for less since they already left with more. I know, genius right? But who to bring back, as many of the schools have several past coaches to choose from. The Feathered Bull has you covered. Here are our recommendations on retreads to retread with again. Retreadly like. OK, skip that.

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Florida – The Gators wasted no time in creating an opening, as Jim McElwain out raced the entire field in the hot seat contest to see who would be fired first. Raise your hand if you saw that coming. Steve Spurrier? Yeah, he’s available. But I’m betting the retired life and making some side bucks on Sirius XM are enough for him. No, you need to go grab Ron Zook back as fast as you can. Why? Well, he certainly didn’t live up to his initial compensation. The man owes you, and he knows his way around campus. What? You think your offense can’t get any worse? Make the call. His buyout will be much cheaper the second time around. And you have no place to go but up.

Texas A&M – Kevin Sumlin has about 16 more days until the Aggies say, “hasta la vista.” The easy answer here might be to call R.C. Slocum since he’s still living locally and probably could coach up those boys in maroon & white one more time. But no, the correct answer is Jackie Sherrill. He’s a fan of Bucees (we had the pleasure of sharing a cool conversation over a gas pump a few years ago after an A&M home game) and the originator of the 12th Man Kickoff Team. Look, the only man who castrated a bull in front of his own players back in the 90’s to “show ‘em how it’s done” is the man for the job. Plus it’s only a matter of time before that rivalry game with the T-Sips over in Austin is revived; Sherrill proved he could beat them. Oops, I have to move on since the IT guys over at TexAgs.com just emailed me about (another) blown server on their message boards after reading this.

Texas Tech – Come on now, you know you want the Pirate back. Admit it. Mike Leach at Washington State simply doesn’t make sense. At least get him out of the Pacific time zone so we don’t have to stay up until 1:30 am to watch him. Leach has sued everyone in Lubbock and the State of Texas. Want a pretty sure-fire way to make those go away? Yeah, that’s right – make the call. Who else you going to go get to replace Coach Bro? As Marty McFly said it best, “There’s only one man that can help me.” Keep him away from dark rooms though.

Auburn – Trust me, this is happening. Yes, I know they are currently ranked 10th, but the Gus Bus is about to head out of town. Dates with No. 1 Georgia and No. 2 Alabama before the month is through will take care of that ranking for you. Gene Chizik is patiently waiting for you to call as he sits in the SEC Network Studios. The man won a title for you just seven years ago. Never mind that he also crapped the bed right after Cam went pro. You might want to see if Bo has any eligibility left though; you could use him.

Tennessee – Wait, what? Butch Jones is still there? OK, well, just pretend he’s not (because the pipe is coming for him, and soon). No, don’t call Phil Fulmer, who is down the street at a Knoxvile Starbucks. Your guy is at Florida Atlantic in Lane Kiffin. Big Vol Daddy certainly is going to have something to say about this, but after the flameout of Butch (who does win at the game of Life), Kiffin is no different than that freshman girlfriend who cheated on you and now she’s single again for senior year. Go ahead – ask Lane to go to homecoming with you. Or you could call Derek Dooley at the Cowboys. No? Kiffin it is.

Arkansas – Where do I start? Bret Bielema must be the nicest guy on the planet, or he’s got compromising pictures of the AD, especially when you have a record of 11-26 in SEC play. Hell, he can’t even beat Sumlin! Ah, I see the problem though – another large buyout. Damn those contracts. Bank on negotiations to start soon and it may include fast food gift cards. The choice of who to bring back is easy – Bobby Petrino. Throw in a motorcycle as a signing bonus and it’s a done deal.

See – easy. Your problems are solved and you didn’t have to break the bank to do it. Oh yeah, your teams will all still suck, but does it really matter until Saban retires? We got Bob Stoops out of the way. The only problem is he may have to replace Lincoln Riley when we go through this exercise in a few years in Norman. And Mack Brown smiles and rubs his hands together more with every Tom Herman loss. But Charlie may have something to say about that.