Life is Just a Fantasy…
Now that Aldo Nova is an earworm in your head, your brackets are busted and NFL Free Agency buzz has subsided… guess what time it is? Fantasy Baseball time! It may have lost its luster over the years and has been overshadowed by Fantasy Football as the King of Fake Sports, but the Grand Daddy of Fantasy Sports is back and it’s time to figure out your plan of action.
For all you Rangers fans out there, you might want to decide which ‘hometown heroes’ you want to hang your hopes on for the season. Obviously, Yu Darvish is not an option after undergoing Tommy John surgery…heck you would get just as much out of Tommy John in the draft than you would Darvish right now. So are Fielder and Choo going to be healthy enough to count on? Will Holland rise to the occasion as an ace? Can Feliz pull off 35-40 saves? Only the Shadow knows…
Personally, I wouldn’t put too much faith in big fantasy numbers from the Rangers…yes, there will be some good production to be had…just don’t overdo it.
Maybe we should try something different this year.
Let’s make it a true Fantasy Team and come up with the best team from off the big screen over the years. I know you’ve all thought about what it would be like if those stars of the sports movies were real…it’s not just me, right? Work with me, here.
Behind the dish, we have a few to choose from: Jake Taylor (Major League) – Sure, he’s old and worn out, but that kind of savvy is what you want calling the game. How about Crash Davis (Bull Durham)…still some underrated pop in his bat and can keep your young players from lollygagging too much. Or you could go with the high priced arrogance of Jack Parkman (Major League II) and just hope his numbers outweigh his attitude.
Manning First Base, you could go with Lou Collins (Little Big League)…a nice mentor for a young owner. Or you could try your luck with a man who looks like a party favor when he sneezes…that’s right, Clu Haywood (Major League)…Scary!
Not a lot to choose from in the infield, but your best bet for covering short stop and complaining about everything is Tanner Boyle (Bad News Bears), and over at the Hot Corner, take none other than Roger Dorn (Major League). Maybe he will be more productive than his price, and maybe he will decide whether to take the solarium and go Santa Fe with it after all.
Your outfield could be peppered with some real talent. You have to start with the speedy one himself in Willie Mays Hays (Major League) to cover some ground and steal some bases. You have to add some power out there too, so you can’t go wrong with slugger Juan Primo (The Fan), and since that stalker fan is following the other guy, he should be free to pound homers for you. How about a little youth in the outfield with Kelly Leak (Bad News Bears) to add some ”tough-punk” to your squad…and who wouldn’t want a cool dirt bike in the player’s lot? Add a little spice to your team with Charlie Snow, aka “Chief Tokohama” (The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings)…the guy changes his identity to get noticed and enhances his greatness…that’s dedication! Rounding out the outfield, grab the very pedestrian Ben Williams (Angels in the Outfield)…Alright, alright, alright, it’s McConaughey, but if he gets some of that supernatural assistance, you are gold!
Go ahead and draft a DH for some extra power, as well. Your best options is Roy Hobbs (The Natural); sure he’s old and might rip some stitches open trying to swing or throw, but just keep plenty of “Wonderboys” around to set off the home run music. If Hobbs doesn’t get you excited, then go for the strong, silent type with Pedro Cerrano (Major League) and just pray to Jobu that the other team only throws fastballs!
Now for that pitching staff…pitching wins championships, right? You need that veteran presence to inspire everyone, and that guy is Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game). Just get him thinking about all the stuff in his life and he will forget he’s pitching a perfect game…it might work. Next, go for some sheer, raw talent. Yep, Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh (Bull Durham) may not understand the meaning of life or which way his garter goes, but he sure can bring the heat. Just warn the mascot, first! Speaking of simpletons with rocket arms, look no further than Steve Nebraska (The Scout) for that very raw talent that may put you over the top, plus he can hit…just don’t get him freaked out or you’ll have to talk him down off the roof.
OK, if that scared you off, then go for some VERY young, but safe talent in Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year). Sure he’s still going through puberty, but that winning smile and supersonic arm, he’s a lock in your rotation. But draft him now, or he’ll end up in American Pie or something.
And last, but not least, your closer. It begins and ends with one man. He was a star in the California Penal League, he wears nerdy glasses, he brandishes a devil may care attitude and veg-a-matic haircut…not to mention, his own theme song…Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Major League). If he could turn the Indians around, he can do it for you too.
I know, I know, none of this really helps you with your actual Fantasy Baseball team…so walk away with this advice…draft a few big names who are healthy, grab a sneaky rookie sensation, but whatever you do….please…do NOT be the guy in the last round of the draft scrambling for players, asking “Is Miguel Cabrera taken yet?” Seriously!
