Straight From Above
As the country’s sports media and fans began their collective descent on DFW yesterday in anticipation of Monday’s match-up between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Oregon Ducks at AT&T Stadium, the earth shook. Nine times. Felt across Tarrant, Collin and Dallas Counties, the two largest registered 3.5 (at 3:10 pm) and 3.6 (at 6:52 pm) respectively on the Richter Scale, strong enough to break windows. We at ScoreBoardTX were as shocked as anyone when our floors started moving, so we figured we’d go to the source and find out what exactly is up.
After weeding through a slew of holier-than-thou PR types and repeatedly pleading our case, we were finally able to get a sit down with the one ultimately responsible. When asked by this reporter why North Texas was being hit with the shakes normally associated with the West Coast, God himself simply replied “CFP.” For those not familiar with the initials, they stand for the College Football Playoff, a first time event in the history of the sport, supposedly finally determining a so-called “true undisputed champ.” My interview follows:
ScoreBoardTX: First off let me thank you for your time. I know you’re extremely busy and I really appreciate you making yourself available.
God: Not a prob. I actually just finished up my busy season which was the past couple weeks. You know how it is with a kid’s birthday – lots of details to take care of.
SBTX: I can only imagine. Still I don’t want to take too much of your time so let’s get right to it – why the earthquakes in North Texas?
God: Honestly it really just comes down to me being ticked off about this whole playoff system deal. I was personally guaranteed by Bill Hancock (CFP Executive Director) that this would without question finally give us a true undisputed champion after all the years of that BCS BS. And you know what? Flat out he lied to me. I was starting to be OK with it all until I saw what TCU did to Ole Miss in the Peach Bowl. That was really impressive and I just said to myself “I will not drink the Kool-Aid anymore.” And I have to admit, it probably ruffled my feathers a little bit more because of the team they screwed, TCU – as in Texas CHRISTIAN University – obviously I’m a fan. Yeah, probably the wrong choice on their part. Did you see that game by chance?
SBTX: Actually I was at the game.
God: Oh very cool – wish I could have made it but these days I find I’m just as happy watching games on the big screen. The technology is really crazy these days, how good the picture is and all.
SBTX: Agreed, but let’s get back on track. I agree with you that we’ll really never know if the Frogs were the best team in the nation, and that’s a shame.
God: You know it reminds me of 2010 when TCU ran the table but didn’t get invited to play in the Championship Game because they were in the Mountain West. They beat what was considered the hottest team in the country in Wisconsin (in the Rose Bowl) and finished ranked No. 2. I still think they could have beaten Cam Newton and Auburn, but we’ll never know. So to fix it I “arranged” for the Longhorn Network, which led to A&M moving to the SEC and opening up a spot in the Big 12 for the Frogs. Problem solved going forward right? – or so I thought.
SBTX: Yeah, the system is still obviously quite flawed. But what about the selection committee themselves? Were you happy with their performances?
God: No, not at all. I really was displeased with the way they dropped they Frogs from No.3 to No.6 after a 55-3 thrashing of Iowa State in their last game of the season. I mean…really? As far as I know that was unprecedented. I’ve given fair warning that shenanigans like that won’t be looked fondly on going forward, and they all proceed at their own risk. I think Oliver Luck got the message but so far he’s the only one.
SBTX: I thought your timing was interesting in having the earthquakes occur six days before the actual Championship Game. Any reason in particular for that?
God: I know the main events don’t really kick off til Friday, but I just wanted to give a little warning to those who might want to rethink their travel plans. I’ve taken some criticism in the past for not giving enough advance warning.
SBTX: Gotcha. So can we look for TCU to be in the playoff mix next year?
God: Oh yeah, TCU won’t have to climb from outside of the top 25 pre-season polls next year like they did this season. I’ll make sure they start in the top three. You know this year all four teams in the playoffs were in the pre-season AP top five? Yep it went Florida State, Alabama, Oregon, Oklahoma and Ohio State. Only the Sooners fell out, and that’s really just because Bob Stoops rubs me the wrong way. But its a lot easier to just start and stay then to work your way up from nowhere.
SBTX: So why earthquakes? Any hidden meaning or message?
God: Oh no lol, I just try to be original when I can. After all I’ve done the plague, famine, flood thing before. And I thought quakes in the 3.5 range might be subtle but effective. I’ve been accused of over thinking things sometimes but I was happy with my choice.
SBTX: So to sum up you’re not buying what college football is selling?
God: Lord (or should I say Me) no. Diamond Bill seems to think it’s successful just because there’s controversy and people are discussing it – but that’s not why I created sports. As far as I can see they just doubled the amount of teams from two to four. Hardly a significant number of teams to qualify as, what they claim on their website as, “the biggest innovation in the sport in decades.” I asked Tom Landry what he thought about that claim and he just laughed lol. In case you didn’t know he’s credited for creating the 4-3 defense. He said artificial turf had a little impact too, and oh, did you notice the equipment might be a tad different too? And I hope all of you are enjoying that thing called instant replay. He really has a great sense of humor once you get to know him.
SBTX: So before we let you run any final thoughts for the world at large? Maybe some words to live by?
God: Oh no nothing like that. I like to watch you guys try and figure it out on your own lol.