It’s that time of year again, and ScoreBoard has made some suggestions to Santa for what we would like some of our favorite sports figures to receive in their stocking this Christmas. And we’re in a giving mood, so away we go.
Jerry Jones: Jerry, we’d love to give you a real NFL general manager. “We,” as in Santa and the rest of the millions of Cowboys fans across the country. This isn’t a white elephant gift; this is the elephant in the room. And the gorilla. And the rhino. Come to think of it, a rhino could do a better job of drafting next April. Too bad Jerry would never accept this gift that we are offering. Guess we’ll have to just stick with the annual coal in your stocking, and no playoffs.
Jason Garrett: Coach, Santa has something for you that he also gave the scarecrow of Oz – a real brain. We’re not saying you’re brainless (though some of your clock management skills over the years have been head-scratchers). What we’re saying is, “stop overthinking things so much.” You played the game; you know how to do this. Call the right plays. Know when to call timeouts (hint: not when your kicker is about to win the game). We understand it’s a “process.” But this process has gotta change. You have two games left to redeem yourself, fella. Get R done.
Tony Romo: Santa would like to give you the ability to make the play in the fourth quarter to win the game, rather than lose it. That’s been your M.O., Tony, and we feel for you. Actually, we’re all a little tired of you throwing the pick(s) when the game is on the line. So pretty please, with sugar on top, don’t check out of a run play when the team clearly needs to eat clock. I’m tired of cursing in front of the children.
DeMarco Murray: Santa (And Tony) would like to give you…the ball. Many times vs. both the Redskins and the Eagles. The Cowboys are 11-0 all-time when Murray gets 20+ carries in a game. Duh. Yes, for the sixty-seventh time, Jason Garrett: run the ball.
Dirk Nowitzki: One more playoff run. Actually, that gift is for both Dirk and all of us. One more run in the playoffs would be rather fun. Dirk is a once-in-a-lifetime talent, whose loyalty and unselfishness should be commended. Enjoy and appreciate Dirk while he is still playing. Like Mike Modano, a statue of Dirk will one day be erected outside American Airlines Center.
Mack Brown: You, sir, deserve a standing ovation, a round of applause, and a big thank you. Mack is all-class and always has been. He has always been about his players and truly cares about them. When asked at his outgoing press conference if he had anything he would change over his tenure, Mack said, “Two things – Cole Pittman’s tragic death in a car crash and the (Texas A&M) bonfire tragedy. I wish Cole’s parents and those 12 families still had their kids.” Perspective. Thanks, Mack, for being a molder of great young men.
Texas Athletic Director Steve Patterson: Some reins. Pull back on ‘em hard when you get them, too. Hey, look, we know the head coach job at Texas is a pretty big deal, but do you really need an eight-person search committee plus a recruiting firm to figure this out? All you really need is a few phone numbers and emails and you can make a solid hire by-yourself. Need some help? Click here and simply hire one of these guys. We’re here to help.
Bob Stoops: Masking tape. Place some over your mouth whenever any media gets near you between now and the Sugar Bowl vs. Alabama. Remember those comments you made in the spring about how the SEC is overrated and top-heavy? Yeah, well, karma called and wants to meet up with you in New Orleans. Certainly it can’t go as bad as the last time you faced an SEC team, right? Right?
Nick Saban: Nothing. Sorry, Nick. You have everything, including your own personal cheerleader in Paul Finebaum. You could have had the Texas job but instead you decided to stay in Tuscaloosa with a fat contract extension. When you lose only three games over the last three seasons, we have no sympathy for you. Nor gifts. Good luck in the Sugar Bowl.
Art Briles: Art, we’ve got some fantastic lawn products for you, pal. Some weed and feed, some fertilizer, maybe even some landscaping too. Briles was quoted as saying, “The grass is pretty green here,” when asked about if he would consider the Texas job. No offense to Baylor, but sorry, Art, the grass is greener in Austin. Trust us on this one. Oh look, a truck full of “green” just pulled up and it ain’t the Chemlawn guy.
Gary Patterson: Obviously you don’t need Briles’ number (since he knows where you live and all). The Baylor-TCU rivalry has a little spice for next season. In the interim, Gary, you have some other issues. Like, getting back to winning. Your two years in the Big 12 haven’t seen the same success that saw the Frogs win a Rose Bowl in 2011. So we’re sending you that Chamlawn guy to get your grass green as well.
Johnny Manziel: Johnny Football gets what William Wallace cherishes most – freedom. Yes, Johnny, come Jan. 1, you are free to sign some endorsement deals and make some money off your name (like the rest of us have the right to). We all know you’re going pro, so go for it. You can now sign your name on stuff and sell it, and even ESPN’s Darren Rovell can’t stop you. I guess we can also wish you some good health for the Chick-Fil-A Bowl as well since you had a bum thumb in November.
Kliff Kingsbury: Dude, you can take off the sunglasses, really. The sun goes down at 5:25pm! OK, now that we’ve cleared that up, we’re happy give you some shaving cream and a razor. We’d love to give you some recruits, but you’re on your own on that one.
Jon Daniels: JD gets a nice big new office. We’re tearing out the wall that you shared with Nolan Ryan and giving you some real room. We’re talking afternoon whiffle-ball game room. Oh, and we’d love it if you could finagle another outfielder for the team this holiday season. The sooner you do, the sooner the whiffle-ball begins.
Lindy Ruff: Lindy needs some healthy defensemen. The D-corps were already the Stars’ weakest link on a team full of young talent. Then Stephane Robidas and Trevor Daley went down. A less-competitive division would also be on the list, but playing in our own time zone is worth it. Maybe we’ll throw in some patience for Stars fans. It’s coming; give them some time.
Mike Modano: This one was easy – health for your unborn twins, and your wife Allison. The babies are due in July, so this will be a fun year for you. Family is all that matters, and we couldn’t be happier for you two. And in case you forgot, a number retirement is coming your way on March 8 as well.
